Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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