god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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