This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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