he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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