I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
