tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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