so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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