Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
