My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize