Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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