just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
