Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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