we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize