i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
