Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
