Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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