Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
