youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
