I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize