I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
