A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
