I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
