Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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