i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
