): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
