Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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