Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize