Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
