you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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