How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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