it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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