R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
