i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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