Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
