Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
