For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize