I wish I only lived at night.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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