My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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