I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
