So drunk its hurt
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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