my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
