I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
