Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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