So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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