Swine flu. Run for my life!
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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