drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
