if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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