You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
