woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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