Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
