I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
