Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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