Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
