There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
