I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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