The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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