I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
