Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
