I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize