Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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