I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
