I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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