We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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