at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
