Are we in a gay sports bar?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
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