The maid of honor just puked.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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