fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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