Umm I'm too high to move.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
