at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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