does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
