Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
